Xmas Village!

Holy crap! It's almost Xmas! It happened so fast - it just snuck up on me! I think you know.....I love me some Xmas! Might I digress from my incredibly long winded tales of our European vacation to express my joy, my zeal, my zest, my lust, my love for all things xmas. 

This past year I scoured thrift shop after thrift shop, looking for just the right holiday items....and I found some doosies. So the day after Thanksgiving, it was time for us to set up Xmas Village with our old...and new friends.

We've got holly

Flowers and pinecones

Santas

A Tiny Santa on a reindeer in a teardrop

Santa and Mrs. Claus

Santa and Mrs. Claus makin' out

William Conrad as "Santa"

Possessed Santa

Trees

Jesus in a snowglobe

 Jesus on the Cross saucer w/Crucifixion cup

Virgin Mary snowglobe

Village

Used Car Lot

Booze sweater

And after we set up, we decided which sweater to wear from our ugly sweater collection.....

Hugging bears?

Peace Dove?

Socks on sweater?

Puffy paint tree and presents on sweatshirt?

Knit cabin w/Santa sweater vest?

A sparkly tree?

....then we put 'em on and went to 
Olvera Street. 

We stuck with tradition and had taquito's at Juanita's

picked up a tin ornament at Casa California

 toured Hastings Ranch and checked out the Xmas lights

Yes....Peanuts

Spongebob, Sock Monkey AND Snoopy - The Trifecta

Here's a new one....Hello Kitty

And then we ended our evening with a burger and chili cheese fries at Tommy's.

Fart Village

This year, we're changing it up. We're driving the Maxi-Mini to Arizona to spend Xmas day with my sis. We thought we'd spread some eye-talian holiday love in that desert oasis. You know I love me some Arizona - almost as much as I love me some Xmas! 

I'm hoping we see this.....

and this....

and this....

So happy holidays everyone! I hope you kids have a super groovy one!

Firenze

My cousin C.B. is a Florence junky. She just loves her some Florence. So while planning our trip to Italy, she was all over me to go to Florence. “You gotta go to Florence! You gotta go to Florence! You gotta see Michelangelo’s David!” Now seriously - everything for me is already a stiff neck and a crotch, so the thought of seeing a 20 foot tall naked guy with a shlong the size of my volkswagen was not something I was thrilled about. Besides I was more interested in going to Modena (that’s where they build Ferrari) but my cousin was insistent and Mr.P and the RedHead didn't care where we went as long as wine and gelato were involved. 

So...Arrivederci Roma, ciao Firenze!

Do not trust the posted train schedules in Italy - they are merely suggestions. The Italian trains, like the Italians themselves, operate on ‘shrugging time’ - in other words they arrive when they want and depart when they want......they also strike when they want. You better pray to the Holy Mother herself that your train arrives when it says it will and won't strike halfway thru. Thankfully ours showed up and at the suggested time.....and with no strike!

Liar!

We booked seats on the FrecciaRossa (Red Arrow), one of the high speed trains that runs thru Italy. That bad-ass can go up to 180 miles an hour, but you'd never know it.....it's one smooooooth sweeeeet ride! We sat in business class which means we traveled in lux-yur-ree: cushy leather seats, bar service....and air conditioning (finally!)

There's my ride

To see the Italian countryside via train was like watching an episode of Martha Stewart - it was too perfect. Meadows of sunflowers and lavender, ancient farmhouses and castles, beautiful blue skies and puffy clouds....I was secretly hoping I’d see a Cracker Barrel hidden in all that gorgeous stuff.

We got to Florence but had no idea where we were - Mr.P's boyfriend (aka: the iPhone) was unable to help us find our way to our hotel (cell service in Europe is shit). So we just stood there, like morons, trying to figure out where to go. We finally just picked a direction and walked. We crossed our fingers we’d hit our hotel. 

Michelangelo's Bandini Pieta

Hotel Macchiaioli (mah-kee-yi-yo-lee) is a converted palace located on Via Cavour, down the street from the Palazzo Medici. This place is crazy gorgeous with marble floors and columns, frescoed ceilings and antique furniture. As soon as the staff heard us coming up the stairs, Paolo ran down to greet us. 

One of the many frescoed ceilings of our hotel

Paolo? Si, Si Paolo! 5’6”, white t-shirt, guido-fro, man-purse and a delicious Italian accent (naturalmente). If it wasn’t for him, we probably wouldn’t have enjoyed Florence as much as we did.

Loggia dei Lanzi

Since we weren't really set on going to Florence, we hadn’t planned a thing. We found out the hard way that if you're traveling to Europe, you have to plan everything if you want to see anything! But lucky for us Paolo also happened to be a licensed tour guide - so we hired him to take us on a tour of Florence. Our bad planning turned out to be a great experience.

In less than 5 minutes we were in the center of town, home to the main man of Florence himself, the magnificent Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore (St. Mary of the Flower), otherwise known as The Duomo. This marble monster sits in the middle of town....like it's nothing.....just a big ol' multi-colored marble building, built in the 1400's with the largest concrete dome in the world sticking out of the back....that's all...no big whoop. Incredibile!

The Basilica and the Duomo peeking out from behind

The front of the Basilica

The Basilica and bell tower at night

Paolo regaled us with story after story about the Duomo, about the Paradise Doors that surround the baptistery, the sculptures inside the Loggia dei Lanzi and the artists who sculpted them, the Uffizzi Gallery where some of the greatest art in the world is, and of course the Accademia, home to Michelangelo’s David. And let me tell you (because I know you all want to know) he’s naked, and he has really big feet ......you do the math. 

I'd do him

Paolo walked us across the Ponte Vecchio, built in 1345 and home to the town's butchers until 1593 when the Medici Grand Dukes prohibited the butchers from selling on the bridge. Since then, it's been home to gold merchants, jewelers and souvenir shops. Legend has it that in WWll, while all the other bridges in Florence were destroyed, the Ponte Vecchio was spared by Hitler himself. 

The Ponte Vecchio and other bridges that cross the Arno river in Florence

We came up to the Pitti Palace but before we could explore it any further, it started to rain - and I mean like crazy heavy duty fucking rain. To get out of the rain, we ran into an amazing shop that specialized in the Florentine art of inlaid glass. That’s when the owner of the shop looked at us and said “mi scuzi” and walked to the cafe next door. A few minutes later he walked back in, with a glass of prosecco and says “You’a need’a some’a vino when it renns!” No truer words were ever spoken...so we went to the cafe, got ourselves our own prosecco and stood in front of the Pitti Palace watching the rain. 

The Pitti Palace in the rain

After 4 hours of probably the best walking-art-history tour EVER, we built up a hearty appetite. We needed food and naturally more vino. There was a restaurant we wanted to try so Paolo said he’d take us there. 

The minute we walked in, everyone screamed “Paolo! Paolo!” I felt like we were in a commercial! They treated us like royalty - seating us at the best table and giving us glasses of prosecco (those guidos love their prosecco!)....even the RedHead had her own glass. Unfortunately Paolo couldn’t stay so we bid him addio and checked out the menu. 

Padlocks on a gate inside the Duomo.
Lovers padlock fences and bridges (even the Ponte Vecchio)
to show their undying love for each other

We dined on some serious good food - gnocchi quattro formaggi, bistecca alla Fiorentina, crusty bread, bruschetta and red wine. And I gotta say.....it's true...the food in Florence is fucking delicious! It just is. Yet one of my cousins (who shall remain nameless - you know who you are) wasn't really thrilled with the food in Florence. Hmmmm....how can an eye-talian, or anyone for that matter, not like the food in Florence? I was floored by it. Personally I think my cousin needs to come back and drink bottles & bottles of those big Tuscan reds and dig into some serious gnocchi and then tell me the food "is'a no gooood!" Testa dura! 

Gnocchi Quattro Formaggi:
potato dumplings with 4 cheese sauce

Florence did not disappoint with the animals in the restaurant either: like clockwork a woman sat down with her big fucking dog and ordered him his own bowl of pasta. 

Fido waiting for his linguini

What is it with the cranky waiters in Italy? We had another one in Florence. We tried everything to get him to smile - but nothing worked. So right after he wheeled out the dessert cart, we asked him to join us. All of a sudden he became our new best friend, offering us tastes of panna cotta and tiramisu and extra slices of torta di ricotta. Frankly I don’t even remember desert because our new best friend treated us to some crazy large glasses of limoncello and it kicked our fucking asses! I don’t even remember getting back to the hotel!

The Paradise Doors

A close up of the doors

Lorenzo Ghiberti sculpted himself into the Paradise Doors

The next day, we decided to check out the Basilica. So we got in the crazy long line (remember Europe was full of long lines) and waited to go in. We had been in line for almost an hour before we realized we were in the wrong fucking line! We were actually in the line to climb the 463 steps to the top of the fucking dome. Our clue should have been that everyone in the line had that look of "holy fuck" on their faces. 

Actually the climb up wasn't so bad, but it wasn't like climbing up to the underwear department at Macy's either. The steps were very small and they wound up and up and up and after 15 minutes of huffing and puffing and shvitzing and plotzing we landed on a very narrow walkway inside the Dome itself. From here you could see the Last Judgement, the amazing painting on the interior of the dome and some even more amazing statues. From this point we had to climb more stairs where it got darker and darker and hotter and hotter and I was getting tired of looking a the same guy's sweaty ass in front of me until BLAM! We were on top of the world! Florence and Tuscany were at our feet! We could see everything - castles, vineyards, churches, mountains, bridges, rivers. It was breathtaking. And it was so quiet and peaceful that the RedHead and I didn't want to come down. But Mr.P is not a fan of high places so we didn't stay long. The view was sublime and surreal and that feeling of crazy awesome will be with me forever.

Stairs to the Duomo (minus that guy's ass)

Statues half-way up 

"The Last Judgement" painting on the interior of the Duomo

The view of Florence from the top of the Duomo

Can you believe some fuck thought this was a good idea? Douche!

After a quick trip down from the Dome, we walked around town and checked out all the souvenir shops and art shops and food shops around town. We had some serious fun sampling meats and cheeses and deciding which ones we were going to have shipped home.

The 99 cent store in Florence. 
More exciting than seeing the fucking Vatican!

We also did something so sacrilegious........so horrifying.....so terrible in the minds and hearts of so many........we went to McDonald’s! Yes we went to fucking McDonald’s in Florence! Hey man, sometimes you just gotta have some junk food and  I was having a serious Big Mac Attack....and as God is my witness .....it was the best fucking Big Mac I have ever had in my entire life! Yeah, yeah, you can go ahead and say all the shit you wanna say about McDonald’s, but every fucking McDonald’s in Europe was PACKED! Even the one in Florence was packed...and with Italians too! So there! 

Me ne sono innamorato!

Ok CB....you were right....Florence kinda rocks. We had an amazing time! And we hated to leave but we had to.....we were off to visit Cenacolo Vinciano (The Last Supper) in Milan.....before it literally fades away....