Has Anyone Seen My Child?

Has anyone seen my child? She’s silly, has a great sense of humor, is empathetic and super easy going? Does anyone know where she is? Someone seems to have taken her and replaced her with a dour, brooding, argumentative beast and I’m not thrilled with this unfair trade.

Welcome to hormones! I like to think of this as the party before the party....and wow, what fun! In the 2 weeks since she’s been out of school, she’s only come out of her room 4 times and that was under duress. I’ve counted 5 smiles (which were at my expense) 2,592 eye rolls and 1,347 ‘whatevers’. Good times!

When she was a baby I couldn’t wait for her to get older....now I wish she was a baby again. I’d give my eye teeth to have her hug me because she wanted to and not because I beg her to. She used to make me tell her stories about my childhood and now she says “Yeah, I know, you told me already!” It’s like living with Donald Trump - all the broo-ha-ha of that smart ass mouth and much ado about the hair!

Today I quietly knocked on the door (I vacillate between the hippy “I don’t want to intrude on your space, man” to the Dr. Laura “I pay the rent on this place so you had better open this goddamn door!”) and I reminded her to practice her music and tidy her room. After the usual “I don’t want to!” she practiced...for about 5 minutes and then it stopped and she sat in her chair with her book. When I asked why she stopped practicing after only 5 minutes, she began to scream at me a litany of reasons: I don’t need to, most of it was optional, I’m frustrated, I hate it, I want to quit, I’m not in the mood and my personal favorite.....I’m tired.

Let’s think about that one for a moment, “I’m Tired”. Of course she is. I mean it’s tiring going to bed late and waking up later, going to summer camp 3 hours a day, reading graphic novels and playing games on the iPad that your father bought you much to my dismay and playing with your friend who lives a few apartment’s down.....Yes, it’s pretty darn tiring....it’s just such a hard, tiring life.

She’s tired?.....I’m tired! I love how my husband gets a vacation and my daughter gets a vacation....but I never get a fucking vacation! So when the RedHead said she was tired I just looked at her....and all I could think of was the day I had.....a day of driving her ass to science camp at USC then driving to my dad’s to pick him up and take him to the store then drop him off at his mechanic then to the pet store then to the health food store to buy Mr.P’s “heart healthy” foods and his glucosamine and then back to USC to pick her up, all within 2-1/2 hours, driving in rush hour traffic on the 110, in the heat, in a 40 year old car with no air conditioning and manual transmission....and she’s tired? I looked at her, wide eyed.....how was I going to get thru these next 7-8 years? It was fine with me if she wanted to go thru teenaged angst but she wasn’t gonna drag me down with her. I knew I was going to have to do something that was going to prove a point without having an out and out brawl!

And so it came to me......Doris Day and Brian Keith starred in one of my most favorite movies, “With Six You Get Eggroll” about a widow and widower who get married despite the fact that their kids hate them. In one scene, Brian Keith’s daughter (played by a very young Barbara Hershey, pre-lip injections) gives some big time grief to Doris Day (seriously, how can anyone give grief to Doris Day!). So Doris Day, at her wits end by this point, says “You want to be the woman of the house, you got it!” and proceeds to give Barbara Hershey a list of chores and things that need to be done by the end of the day. I love, love, that scene. I love it because it teaches a huge lesson in humility while not being humiliating. 

And so right out of “With Six You Get Eggroll” I looked the RedHead straight in the eye and as calm as I could I said “You wanna know tired? I’ll show you tired......” I told her that she needed to do the chores she hadn’t done since she got out of school and then she had to do mine: clean the bathrooms, fold the laundry, vacuum the house, make the dinner and do the dishes. She could read or watch tv when she was finished with everything and bed time was at 9pm, tired or not. I think the fact that I was so calm moved her to do what I asked without an argument.

After 2 hours everything was done. And not half bad either. I sat around and made sure she saw me relaxing, reading and sewing and asking her to get me things that I could have gotten myself. And when she was done she came up to me and hugged me, hard, and said “I’m sorry mommy. I’m sorry I spoke to you that way.” Just like in “With Six You Get Eggroll” when Barbara Hershey apologized to Doris Day. We sat and ate dinner (that she made). My RedHead was back.....for the moment anyway. 

Yes, I know...this won’t last....but it sure felt good. This morning I had her fold another load of laundry and she did.....so maybe it will last.....nope...nope....I just got an eye roll when I told her to practice her music. This is so not gonna be fun!

Rewards Smrewards!

I was at Ikea the other day buying some napkins - yes, I make the trek to the Ikea for napkins because they are super groovy and super cheap and life is too short not to use super groovy cheap napkins! I also picked up a Produkt (milk frother) and some Sparsam (fluorescent lightbulbs). I was at the register when the cashier says to me “Are you part of our Ikea Family?” Huh? “Do you have your Ikea Family card?” Huh? My what? Oh no.....It seems that Ikea is the latest in a long line of retailers who have jumped onto the “rewards” bandwagon and I think that is a fucking drag!

I went to PepBoys to pick up some heater hoses for my 40 year old car (let’s not discuss the fact that they no longer carry parts for older cars anymore and the guy behind the parts counter didn’t even know what they were) but since they didn’t have them, I bought some wax and a can of resin glaze. The cashier says “Are you a part of our loyalty rewards program?” I was kind of in a daze....still po’d that they didn’t have those hoses for my car. “Ma’am....” by the way, I’m a ma’am now.... “Ma’am, your loyalty rewards. Do you have your PepBoys Loyalty Rewards card?” My what?!! I am stunned. “No!..” I say. “Do you have heater hoses for my car?” The guy just stares at me. “Well then, I guess we’re even!”

Sears, OSH, Target Pharmacy, Ikea, PepBoys, Vons, CVS, Ralph’s, Walgreens, World Market, PetSmart, PetCo, RiteAid, you name it, it seems like every store, market, gas station, any place where you can buy anything has some sort of special club that promises sweet deals in exchange for your personal information and personally, I’m really sick of it. Can’t I just go into a store and get a decent price because it’s the right thing to do? I hate looking for my rewards card or fumbling to find the widget on my keychain or trying to remember which phone number I have to enter just to get a normal price.......for anything! Just give it to me - ok!

And the older I get and the more shopping I do, the angrier I have become! The poor pharmacy clerk at Target hides when she sees me because she's afraid I'll go into my usual rant as to why I don’t want to sign up for 5% off on the 5th prescription filled. I have begun to shun the card. Give me the higher price, I don’t give a shit anymore! My privacy is my own little "fuck you" to the man! I try not to shop at places where I have to use “the card” anymore....but today was different. 

I was so busy I had to bite the bullet and hit the Vons. I was by the tomatoes when I noticed there was a young man walking towards me. He was wearing a sassy orange "CalTrans" inspired vest and had an iPad velcro’d to the palm of his hand. In a assertive voice he says “Are you finding everything ok?” I say “Yes, thank you” and continue to look at the veggies. “Ma’am...” remember I’m a ma’am now.... “Ma’am, have you heard about our new ‘Just For You’ rewards program?” Oh good god no! You've gotta be kidding me! Not only do I have to use my fucking value-rewards-loyalty-shit-ass card every time I come in here just so I can get a decent price on the fucking tomatoes that are in my cart but now there is another fucking thing I’ve gotta sign up for and swipe on top of it? They’ve gotta be kidding me! So as politely as I can and without strangling the the poor bastard I say “No thank you” and I walk towards the salad dressings. He follows me. “Are you sure? This program is loaded with savings!” “No thank you” I say more emphatically as I briskly walk towards the deli. He continues to follow me. “You get a free dozen eggs!” Now I’m jogging! “I don’t want any eggs!” I scream over my shoulder as I run away but he’s on my ass. And right as he slams into me he yells “You also get a free pound of coffee!” I turn around and as loud as I can I let him have it “I DON’T WANT EGGS! I DON’T WANT COFFEE! I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A DECENT PRICE ON GROCERIES WITHOUT ANY CARD OR ANY CODE BECAUSE IT’S THE DECENT THING TO DO! CAN YOU DO THAT?!!” 

This poor guy. He is seriously hating life right about now. He was just doing his job and had the bad luck to run into me. But I gotta give it to him.....without missing a beat he says “I was just trying to save you a little money” and he walked away. I felt pretty terrible about it. I didn’t like yelling at him. I know I'm not supposed to shoot the messenger but sometimes it feels really good to shoot the messenger!!!

I guess he was ok because I saw him walk up to the deli counter and try to sign up an elderly man.......who had a stutter.....I couldn’t watch. 

So I left the Vons.....less cash, more aggravation, feeling a little bad for the guy.....got in the car.....picked up the RedHead, got home, poured some vino (yes it was before 5!), turned on my Tivo’d People’s Court, got ready for the Caprese Salad I made with my overpriced tomatoes....and they tasted like shit! Fucking Vons!