Ahh yess....It's Christmas! It's Christmas! I'm sure it probably shocks you, but I love Christmas! I do!! I'm that crazy, angry hot-headed atheist who loves Christmas.
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| Buddha loves Xmas! |
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| And Naked Barbies love Xmas! |
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| Even the Virgin Mary, Jesus and their pals love Xmas too! |
When you see one of those stores that sells Christmas crap year round and you think to yourself “what kind of fucking moron buys Christmas crap year round?” you can think of me. I’m that fucking moron who buys Christmas crap year round. I have boxes and boxes of Christmas crap: decorations, figurines, plates and platters, tablecloths and napkins.....I am in a word, an xmas junky.
Some of my crap...
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| Big Santa! |
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| Medium Santas | | |
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| Teeny Santas |
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| A few of my Xmas serving thingys |
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| My fave....ceramic light up trees! |
I can't wait for the day after thanksgiving so I can work my xmas magic. I am not the Black Friday shopper, I am the Black Friday decorator. Bring out any xmas record and a mug of eggnog loaded with booze and it's time......time for xmas love.
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| This year's Xmas Village |
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| This year's Santa's Village |
Even the old man is a Christmas Junkie. Although we never celebrated in any cliche way, we did celebrate. I mean his idea of Christmas music was Gregorian chants. My dad was so anti-religion that my sis and I thought we were Jewish because just like us, the jews got gifts but didn’t go to church. My dad would take Happy Birthday wrapping paper and hand write ‘Jesus’ on it so it would say 'Happy Birthday Jesus.' "There you go," he'd say...."Christmas wrap."
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| My Jesus-on-the-cross light. I love it but I didn't know Jesus was crucified in the Andes. |
For me, Christmas was a time to hang with my cousins, eat some super good food and watch my dad, my uncle and my grandfather scream at each other....in other words it was just like any other family gathering...only I got a few gifts.
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| The Pope comes out for Xmas too |
Our Christmas traditions were pretty groovy. We’d drive to Olvera Street and get some taquitos for dinner. After that, we’d pick out a tin ornament for our tree and then go buy our tree. Back in the day, they used to have tree auctions at the train yards in Downtown L.A. Every year was the same: we’d try to find the tallest tree or the saddest looking tree, tie it to the roof of the Volvo and cross our fingers that my dad’s crazy driving wouldn’t shoot the tree off the top of the car. My dad loved Christmas so much that he used to leave the tree up long after Christmas was over - one year it was up until May.
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| Mmmmm....taquitos from Juanita's in Olvera Street |
Every Christmas Eve we’d head to my grandparent’s house. Christmas Eve was like a big fucking deal for my family. It was THE celebration. THE thing. THE eve of the goddamn fucking birth! To us guidos, the birth is HUGE......and so is the eating!! Us eye-talians tend to celebrate with a meal called Vigilia di Magro, which sort of means "no eat'a da meat!" That's why most Italians celebrate by eating the traditional Feast of the 7 Fishes. But we're not like most Italians....we don't like fish! The thought of cooking and eating seven different kinds of fucking fish with the fish smell and the fish stuff and the fish "is'a no gooood!" So what to eat on Christmas Eve? Pasta! Linguni with broccoli, garlic and olive oil, Mafalda (a type of pasta) in red sauce, sliced finocchio (raw fennel), tangerines, pizzelle cookies (pronounced ‘peet-sell-eee’), chocolates, and of course, Annisette, to toast to the birth of the baby Jesus. We also dined on yelling, screaming, hand gestures and gas. Good times.
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| Mmmm....Pizzelle |
Mr.P had his own xmas traditions. His family opened presents on Christmas day - Christmas Eve was just like any other day.... I’ll let that go. His uncle would pile the kids in the back of his Ranchero, blare Johnny Mathis and drive thru Pasadena looking at all the xmas lights. They had Santa gifts and had Christmas stockings and they had a nice big turkey dinner. When I spent my first Christmas with Mr.P's family, I was a touch uncomfortable. It was very calm. I mean there was talking but there wasn’t any arguing. There was also no smell of garlic sizzling on the stove and it was very planned - like you unwrap, you eat, you leave. My xmas was you eat, you wait, you eat some more, you wait, you unwrap, you eat, you wait, you eat, there’s a fight, you eat again, you go home. Now just visualize Mr.P when he spent his first Christmas with my family...he still hasn’t recovered.
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| Mr.P's family Xmas dinner |
I enjoy Christmas differently as an adult. Mr.P and I combined our traditions to make one big one. In an homage to my 'yute' we make our annual trek to Olvera Street and eat taquitos, but the RedHead wants no part in buying the ornament....she just wants the toys and begs for that fucking mini accordion every time....fucking kids! No more auctions at the train yards so we make do with our tinsel tree and I have my grandfather’s color wheel to light it up.
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| Our tinsel tree along with my grandfather's color wheel |
In an homage to Mr.P's 'yute' we drive thru Pasadena and look at the Christmas lights. We have Santa gifts and I made some stockings. We eat guido food with the guidos on Christmas Eve and we hang out with the white people and have white people food on Christmas Day. It works and it's fun to watch the RedHead have a good time. And because I’m over 40, I’m now old enough to participate in the “Who’s House” argument. You know, the one where everyone starts putting their two cents in as to where to have Christmas and what to eat and who’s bringing what and what time and yada-yada-yada, bim-bam-boom. And of course everyone has an opinion and thinks theirs is the best. That’s probably why booze was invented....to numb this kind of bullshit.
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| Stockings I made for La Famiglia |
But thru it all I still love Christmas! I just do. So a toast (with Annisette of course)... I hope all of you have a great holiday and that you can get thru it with no traumas or dramas, that it’s fun for you and your family, that you don’t end up broke trying to buy just the right thing for so-and-so, that you feel fulfilled even tho they’re not serving what you want and you really wanted to make a desert instead of a side dish and it’s way too early in the day and you were hoping it would have been later in the day and even tho it’s at so-and-so’s house this year who lives 3 area codes away instead of at so-and-so’s house who’s only 20 minutes away and even tho what’s-his-name is going to be there who you hate and even tho you got a re-gift from so-and-so that you gave what’s-his-name two years ago and you got another weird gift from what’s-her-name that makes you wonder “Does this person really know me?”.........Yeah....Merry Christmas, or as we say in our family, Buon Natale!
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| Hey look...it's Me and Mr.P! |
And please enjoy a few xmas gifts for you, my friends. These make me smile:
Her entire site is priceless but my favorite link is the one to the Gem Sweaters.
Please enjoy Foster Brooks' rendition of the 12 Days of Christmas. It's fan-fucking-tastic!!!
