Jet Lag

Well it’s official....I’m old. I’ll be the Big 50 in a month or so and it shows. I have no neck, my jowels wobble like my earlobes and my metabolism has slowed to such a crawl that I need a bra for the new back fat I’m sportin’. But leave it to Mr.P to give me a 50th bday present to make me feel as giddy as a school girl.....a trip to Europe.  

Our friend Little Chrissy was getting married to his beloved, PJ. Little Chrissy and PJ live in Amsterdam. We had to go help them celebrate, I mean Mr.P has known Little Chrissy since before Apple came out with the Newton (that one was for all you Apple geeks out there). Mr.P said if we were going to go to Amsterdam we should just bite the debt bullet and visit France and Italy too. 

My dream (besides no muffin top and no farmers tan) has always been to go to Italy. Having an espresso in an outdoor cafe, watching people argue over the wine and how long to cook the sauce was something I thought I’d never see - but I did.

And after months of prepping and fretting and shvitzing and plotzing, we were on our way.

Before I tell you about our travels, let me give you a quick run-down of Europe: 

Everyone looks great in Europe. 

Everyone is properly accessorized in Europe. 

The art everywhere makes your eyes hurt in Europe.

Even newborns smoke in Europe.

Smart cars are actually smart in Europe

Panty lines are mandatory in Europe

A lumpy bra or no bra at all, mandatory in Europe
Everyone walks in Europe

Everyone J-walks in Europe

Everyone cuts in line in Europe

The food and wine are great in Europe

You can take your dog with you to dinner in Europe

You can take your cat with you to dinner in Europe

Coke with sugar - YES!

Dr. Pepper - no :(

Ice with your drink - no :(

No one knows what a Martini is

Air conditioning - sometimes

The metro is amazing

Graffiti is everywhere

So is McDonald's

So is Burger King

So is The Apple Store

The French are actually quite nice

No horn honking or screaming in Rome :(
Americans are the rudest people in Europe

We ended up going to 5 cities: Amsterdam, Rome, Florence, Milan and Paris. 

First stop....Amsterdam......

The first thing I noticed when I saw Amsterdam (besides how beautiful it was) was that the Dutch are fucking HUGE!! Holy crap are they huge! And by huge I mean fucking tall - like giants (in their defense, most people look like giants to me). And boy are they pretty. Every one of them a beautiful specimen, tanned and toned and perfectly groomed and they all had white teeth. And the reason they’re so toned is because they all ride bikes. There were bikes everywhere and people on bikes everywhere. 

Yes this many bikes

We saw old people on bikes. Women in dresses and high heels on bikes. Businessmen on bikes. Women riding bikes called bakfiets which are bikes with boxes in front to carry the kids.They even have parking garages just for bikes. 

Bikes! Bikes! Bikes! The Bike Garage

And you need to know that they’re not just out for a leisurely ride thru town either - they’re out for blood! They make the Lance Armstrong wannabes who ride over by the Rose Bowl look like clowns. These Dutch go 100 mph on their bikes, texting and smoking cigarettes and drinking beer, all while riding their fucking bikes. They’re amazing creatures these Dutch. 

A mom with her kids on her Bakfie

So when Little Chrissy suggested we do as the Dutch do and rent bikes, I was petrified. Seriously, the thought of riding around with Thor on my ass was not something I was excited about (at least not while riding a bike). But the RedHead really wanted to do it and we were on vacation....so.....The bikes we rented were as huge as the Dutch. They have no concept of short people which meant their bikes were not made for anyone under 5’6” - I come in around 5 feet. My toes barely touched the ground - even with the seat all the way down - so basically I got fucked by a big orange bicycle the whole goddamned time. 

My new boyfriend and his pal

After getting somewhat used to the speed of the people on their bikes (and the scooters behind us honking because they're allowed to ride in the bike lanes), we started to get the hang of things. It started becoming kinda fun. We had become just like the Dutch, toolin' around town on our fiets on the beautiful tree lined streets of Amsterdam until BLAM! There it was....that unmistakable sound of person mixed with car. And then I saw her....the RedHead.....hands outstretched and prone on the hood of a Volvo. She had mis-judged a turn and hit a car. Don’t worry she's fine...but the car isn’t. We're just waiting for the estimate.....yay. 

It was a tragedy

By the way, my brass-balls kid who just beat up a car didn't want to give up. She got right back on that bike (much to my dismay) and rode that bike the entire rest of the day. Good for her...bad for my crotch!

Downtown

Little Chrissy also rented a boat and took us on a cruise on the Amstel River. It was great. I loved the fact that he could just rent a boat and drive it like a rental car down the fucking Amstel River. 
                                                        

             

The only Bug we saw in Europe

                                                        

Seeing the city from the river made it possible to see all the architecture that Amsterdam is famous for. The buildings tend to be very narrow because back in the day they were taxed on how wide their house was. So some houses are just as wide as their front door. Most of the buildings are hundreds of years old and some of them lean to one side or the other - and they keep them that way. If you look thru the windows you can see that the insides are level but the outsides are not. It was amazing. 

You can sort of see how they lean

And we saw the Red Light district from the boat! I was so excited! There was a building with floor to ceiling windows and a lot of women just standing around in their underpants..... posing......You hear the stories but you don't really believe it until you see it. Honestly I just couldn’t stop staring.

OK, you got me. This isn't a real shot of the Red Light District
(they don't like when you take pictures)
It's a model from Madurodam - a park with
miniatures of all the famous sites of Amsterdam

We also saw a lot of these little green 'cages' by the side of the river. Little Chrissy told us they were urinals. They’re like an “S” shaped piece of metal that’s big enough to cover your junk and you just stand there and pee. And people do! You can actually see them standing there peeing.....and you know that they’re peeing and they know that you know that they’re peeing.....that’s what makes them.....Euro-pee-an! (tee hee!)

 

Pee Cage. And no that is not Little Chrissy - 
it's a guy watching another guy pee

They have a beautiful park called Vondelpark and it’s packed with people (the only time the park by our house is packed with people is when they’re handing out free food). 

Look at all the people - and they're there with their beloved bikes

And in Amsterdam, you can drink in the park but you never see drunk people - maybe that’s because you’re drunk yourself - but there’s never that boisterous loudmouthed guy, you know the guy that ruins it for everybody else. People just hang out and eat and drink and of course, ride their bikes, and play with their kids. 

The play structure at Vondelpark. Super tall and made of wood - it was great! No nervous, fretful, hovering parents in Amsterdam! It was fucking awesome!!!

This park also has one extra special feature: you can screw in the park. As long as you do it at night, don’t do it near families and take your trash with you when you go. Gotta love those Dutch. 

A Picasso sculpture in the middle of Vondelpark

So to answer the question that everyone has been asking: No we did not smoke pot in Amsterdam! We sure did smell a lot of it but if you know me, then you know that I was as drunk as a skunk (ask my child) but the only pot I use is the one to cook my sauce in. It is legal to smoke pot and buy pot and they have “coffee shops” or “cannabis cafe’s” where people do just that. 

A cat outside of 'his' restaurant. If a cat is at a table at a restaurant,
then you need to find yourself another place to sit.

The Dutch have a thing for super long words. If they don't have a word for something, they'll combine words together to make a word. One of their words is 49 letters long: Kindercarnavalsoptochtvoorbereidingswerkzaamheden, which means "preparation activities for a children's carnival procession." HA! We thought this word was funny too:

It means "Amsterdam City Theater"

We were told that one of the best Dutch foods to eat were pannenkoeken - Dutch pancakes. They’re very thin, kinda like crepes and they top them with Nutella or jam and they fill them with bacon or ham and use something called stroop which is similar to a light molasses instead of syrup. They were crazy good - I will never eat another other kind of pancake again! 

Pannenkoeken with bacon and stroop

We had a lot of other really tasty food, although none of it was particularly Dutch. Naturally the beer, the cheese and the coffee in Amsterdam were fucking delicious! Yeah....het was geweldeg!

A display of rookworst at the Target of Amsterdam, Albert Heijn

No we didn't buy any diamonds, we did nothing cultural - no visit to see Van Gogh, no walk thru the Rijksmuseum, no visit to the Anne Frank House......no tour of the Heineken factory:(  We did visit a place called Madurodam, which is a theme park of sorts. It has miniatures of all the famous sites of Amsterdam. It was amazing and creepy at the same time. 

Those people look like giants! 

And, as it turns out - we weren’t able to go to Little Chrissy’s wedding either - Mr.P’s work schedule and the RedHead’s school schedule fucked that up. But we got to see him and his beloved and we got to see Amsterdam. We hadden een geweldige tijd!

Next stop....Rome.