VaJonuts!

"Doughnuts!" That’s what my dad screamed one morning. My sis and I knew better than to think he’d actually gone out to buy doughnuts. He was a staunch organic food nut, only whole wheat pancakes and raw dairy products for this family. Junk food was strictly taboo! So when he yelled “Doughnuts!” my sis and I were skeptical for sure. But there they were....his version of doughnuts. Whole wheat frozen bread dough that he let rise overnight, formed into balls and then stuffed with organic-whole-fruit-no-added-sugar jam and baked to a golden brown. Ok, right? I mean it sounds horrible but they were actually really good.

So let us fast forward to now....I was at the store and there it was....the same frozen bread dough my dad used to buy! Holy crap! I was so excited, not just because I had found something from my childhood....but they had a NON-whole wheat version! Fuck organic whole grain goodness! Whole grain goodness tastes like sand! Fucking whole grain pancakes....I still have a piece of wheat from the 70’s stuck in my gums! But I digress....I said to myself, I’m gonna buy that bread dough and I’m gonna make the RedHead and Mr. P some homemade doughnuts.

I let the dough rise, I formed them into balls, I didn’t have whole fruit organic jam but I did have some cherry preserves I got at....that’s right, the 99 cent store. That should work. I put them in the oven and baked them till they were golden brown. Et Voila:

Yeah....I know....they look like a body part. The female body part to be exact. I’ll say it. They look like Vagina. So we called them VaJonuts. VaJonuts taste very good but are not very appealing to the eye.....Kinda like the real thing. I would say VaJonuts are not going to be a go-to kinda Sunday morning tradition....like I’m not gonna wake the family up and say “Rise and shine! VaJonuts!” But every once in a while it’ll be good for a laugh.

Mumu Village

I have a thing about mumu’s! I love a mumu. Any mumu from the 60’s or 70’s, I’m all over it! If I see a mumu at a thrift shop I buy it - no questions asked. Lets take a moment to acknowledge the mumu: The mumu is your friend, they were designed to hide your flaws, they were designed to make you look free and flowing, like a ballerina. That damn Mrs. Roper! She gave mumu’s a bad name! And unfortunately most mumu’s don’t fit me, but no matter.....I will buy the un-fitting mumu anyway. I covet a mumu. I love a mumu. I am a moth to the flame! 

Here are some of my faves:

This one is by my favorite Hawaiiana designer, Tori Richard. Fan-fucking-tastic! 

Another Tori Richard original.

Check this one out.....and they're pants! And I have two! Yes I have fucking two! I found one at a thrift shop and got one as a gift! HA!

This one actually fits me! I like to wear this for Sunday brunch!

I found this one while I was dumpster diving (yes!). It was originally purchased at I. Magnin and was designed by Hanae Mori. I don't think it is a mumu per say...but I'm callin' it one! 

Bull Sh*t

So here is a question for God (if there is one)....When do you know you’ve pushed your kid too far, or not enough?

The RedHead does very well in school. She enjoys it and can’t wait to go. I fucking hated school so I’m still amazed that she likes it. Freaky! So recently she was asked to try out for her school’s.....let’s say for these purposes, “pizza making” team. It would give her a chance to compete against other schools in pizza making. She was so excited (because she’s really good at “pizza making”) she jumped in with both feet. But the coach had one thing on his mind: winning, and it had taken the fun out of something the RedHead used to love. Now she hated it and wanted to quit. 

Which brings me to my next question...Do we let her quit? I mean what are these competitions about? Are they about learning to work together as a team? How to pursue a goal thru study and hard work? How to learn to commit to something and not to give up? Or are they for the parents? So the parents can say their child is the best and most smartest? The gold medal the child receives proves how great they must be to have such a smart kid? 

The parents of the kids on the pizza making team made their kids study pizza making morning, noon and night. We didn’t. And the kids on the “pizza making” team are sort of professional students. They’re the kids that take a lot of classes after school and on weekends so they’re sort of up on how to do this kind of thing. We just let the RedHead kinda do her own thing. Are we not pushing her enough? And if we aren’t, should we push her more? 

The RedHead became sullen, angry, moody....not the usual kid we knew. She hated anything to do with “pizza making”. She told us she was bad at “pizza making” and would let the team down if she stayed. We thought the competition would empower her in some way but it was having the opposite effect. What should we do?

These are the days when I just want a martini and put my feet up and watch “The People’s Court” over and over and ignore it all.....kinda like the way my dad did when I was a kid only for him he hid behind a paintbrush and a pan full of pasta sauce. 

The answer for me came when another parent took the opportunity to make a play date with the coach’s kid so his kid could pick the coach’s brain on “pizza making”. This parent also stopped all play dates and only “pizza” studying was allowed. I realized that this just wasn’t our thing. Playing and drawing and running and laughing are just as important as schoolwork and “pizza making” and to stop all of that, stops the kid from being a kid. You don’t want your kid not to be a kid, do you? 

So we had a talk with her - and maybe you’ll agree with us and maybe you won’t....I’m still not sure we were or are doing the right thing....being a parent is sucky sometimes.....We gave her the choice to quit or not. We told her that the winning wasn’t what was important, it was the working together as a group and trying your hardest to achieve something and if she felt that she couldn’t do it, then she could quit. But she’d have to tell the coach, not us. It was her decision and hers alone. 

She decided to stay. 

She didn’t make the team and she’s not even sure she’s an alternate but she’s really happy.....she’ll still be able to go to the team pizza party! 

I’m not sure we’ll do anything like this again but if we do, I’ll make sure I have plenty of vodka on hand. And of course deep down, the Tiger Mother within secretly wishes the RedHead could have kicked those kids asses without all that extra hullabaloo that all those other tiger mothers made their kids do. 

A girl can dream!

Good Times

My RedHead and I are watching "Auntie Mame" starring Rosalind Russell. Probably one of my most favorite movies. Thank goodness the RedHead loves it just as much as I do. I want to be Auntie Mame when I grow up.

"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame

Good Listening!

Tony Duquette is one of my favorite designers! 

Check out why.....

He was the king of mixing expensive with inexpensive, organic with inorganic, french provincial with ultra modern. He was a one of a kind. His obituary in the New York Times mentioned...

“at his Hollywood Hills studio, a roomful of 18th-century French antiques sat amid gilded trees beneath a ceiling studded with glued-on gold plastic serving trays.” 

Holy crap! I know right!!! Where has this guy been all my life!!! But since he’s dead, he’s not coming out with anything new and the only Duquette items that are out there are crazy expensive...like $28,795 kind of expensive. Fuck me! Those pieces cost more than the New Beetle was when we bought it!

But this is a happy story because it’s Valentine’s Day (ok, the day after) and we want happy on Valentines Day (and the day after). Coach, yes that Coach, partnered with the Duquette estate to come out with a line of affordable costume jewelry and I was all over it. Still waiting for the listening....it’s coming..... 

We dropped the RedHead off at a party and I asked Mr. P if we could make a detour to the Coach store to check out the stuff. I didn't want to buy (I really didn't) I just wanted to look....and then I'd go to the thrift shop and find something similar and much cheaper!!! Immediately my eye was drawn to this crazy HUGE cocktail ring with rhinestones and flowers and sunbursts. It was so huge and heavy....totally fantastic. It was also out of my price range. I’d like to know what their idea of “affordable” is? They had some other things there but nothing that really spoke to me as much as that big fucking “I’ll kill you if I punch you in the face while wearing this big, bad-ass, mother-fucking ring!” But just hidden out of view, there were these little bug pins that were very me and very silly and so damn affordable and I could see myself wearing one of them. I was thrilled! I could have a sort-of Tony Duquette and not feel guilty for buying it! Hooray!!

Still waiting for the listening?....this is where it comes in....So while I was looking at all the stuff and oogling all the crap I couldn’t afford, I had no idea that Mr. P, the guy who can’t remember my name, the guy who can’t remember our anniversary, the guy who can’t remember to actually take the trash bags out of the house after he's taken them out of the trash can, remembered that I love Tony Duquette and had been to the Coach store the day before with the RedHead and he had already bought me that big bad ass ring. He knew I wanted it before I did. 

I guess he was listening after all. Here is my new baby:

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

So my dad (aka: The Old Man) calls me and tells me he hit a car. He was making a left turn and he hit a parked car. Not only did he hit a parked car but he blamed the parked car for being there! Not only did he hit a parked car and blamed the parked car for being there but he drove away! So now my 85 year old dad is a felon. 

Happy Valentine's Day indeed!

Little Old Ladies

Little Old Ladies

When I was little, my grandmother would make fritters out of zucchini blossoms. She called them "little old ladies." She’d make a batter out of flour, water and salt, dip the cleaned flowers in the batter and fry them in olive oil. They were so damn good! But really anything in a batter fried in oil is good! I like to make them for The RedHead and when I eat one it reminds me of my grandmother. The other day I had some zucchini that were gonna die if I didn't use them so I thought why not fry 'em up the same way my grandmother did. So I shredded the zucchini and tossed them into a bowl with equal parts corn starch and flour and some of salt. I only added a little bit of water since the zucchini release a lot of liquid.

I let them sit for a bit and after around 10 minutes they looked like they were floating in batter.

I had some really thick olive oil that I thinned down with some veggie oil and started frying 'em up. 

 

It took about 5 minutes per side to cook. Then I placed them on paper towels to drain, threw some extra salt on them and placed them in the oven to keep them warm. 

Boy were they yummy!  And the best part was that they had almost the exact flavor of the little old ladies. I love anything that turns my mouth into a raging hot fire so I added some Sriracha to ketchup and used that to dip them in. Fan-Fucking-Tastic! 

The ugly, sparkly, pantsuit

I love the ugly, sparkly pantsuit. 

The ugly, sparkly, pantsuit can make anyone look like Angie Dickinson, Eva Gabor or any guest star on the first season of Columbo. Trust me I know. My looks resemble that of a young Melissa Gilbert during her hey-day on “Little House on the Prairie” (before Almonzo) but when I put on the ugly, sparkly pantsuit, I become transformed into a much, much, much, MUCH shorter Cher (the Cher when she was with the late, great Sonny Bono - may he rest in peace).

Look at all of these!! I have 6 so far! Aren't they totally fantastic! Don’t they make you wanna run out and grab a cocktail made with brown liquor? 

My favorite book

I love this book! I just love it! I look thru it every day! 

My friend Arlene had a spare bedroom decorated like this. I'd always hang out in there. 

It's Rhoda's apartment! This is so fantastic! I always thought Rhoda's apartment was much
cooler than Mary's.

Look at this! I don't remember eating this in the 70's. You'll note it does include sauerkraut and condensed cheddar cheese soup. Not so sure I could go there.

This is just plain crazy!! Canned tamales smooshed onto french rolls? Do they even make those canned tamales anymore? But look how pretty! And get a load of those pickles! 

Pickles on a stick! Fan-fucking-tastic!

Interesting

Yum

I’m not one of those people who enjoys shopping for food. I used to really love it but now because I have a kid, it’s a “have to” instead of a “want to”. I’ve tried different things to get me to enjoy buying food again. I tried having the local produce delivered but I don’t think rabbits could eat the amount of chard that arrived every week. I’ve tried shopping at farmer’s markets but I just can’t wake up early enough to get there before the good stuff is gone. I enjoy the stuff they sell at the TJ’s but anyone who knows me knows I hate the people who shop there - and don’t ever park in their parking lot! I’m not a bulk shopper so no Costco for me - shopping carts that are larger than my car tend to worry me. Besides I hate their parking lot too! I don’t peruse’s gourmet shops and I don’t shop at Whole Foods because I just can’t afford it. Every day I mourn the loss of the Fedco (may it rest in peace). So most of my shopping is done here and there, places that are quick and easy, where there is plenty of parking and where I can find a deal. And believe it or not, the place that fits the bill is the 99cent store! Shut up! I mean it! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, fingerling potatoes, garlic, kiwi, avocado, mushrooms....the list is endless and most of the time it’s organic! YES! It’s fucking organic! Take that Whole Paycheck! I’ve come out of there with pounds of produce and spices and usually pay less than $8. That’s a goddamn Christmas miracle! And let’s face it you can find the most amazing crap besides produce at the 99cent store.

So I had to make dinner the other night but I had nothing in the house because as I said before I hate going to the store - not to mention I was watching the The People’s Court (no better tv viewing EVER!). I am allergic to whining so I was not going to take the RedHead to the store after I picked her up from school. So I was stuck with what I had on hand (and most of it was purchased at the 99cent store by the way): portobello mushrooms, stale bread, old tomatoes, half a box of pasta, garlic that was sprouting, limp parsley and some really moldy asiago cheese. Hmmm....what to make. I am in love with Jacques Pepin and I had just seen him make stuffed tomatoes out of leftovers he had in the fridge. I said “I can do that”  so I did.

I hollowed out those old tomatoes and I made a stuffing. I used the dried bread (I cut the bread and moistened it with water), I cut the mold off the asiago cheese and grated it, I minced a clove of the sprouting garlic, I chopped up some of that unhappy parsley, I chopped up the guts of the tomatoes and I added some thyme, salt and pepper and I smooshed all of it into those sad, old tomatoes and threw ‘em in the oven. Ok, that wasn’t so hard. But it wasn’t enough for dinner. I also had that half box of pasta lying around so I thought I would cook that up and make a sauce out of those old portobello mushrooms, garlic, olive oil and butter. 

Voila! Check it out:

Yes, I took a fucking picture! Can I tell you....it tasted great! We had a bottle of $3 vino lying around and I had just enough Pecorino Romano cheese to grate over the top of the pasta. We ate all the food and discussed what to make out of even older food I had lying around. Hmmm.....I do have an old zucchini......