OLD!

I’m old. I didn’t think I was, but I am. I thought I was young, cool, hip. I drive a cool car, I have a smart phone and I drink brown liquor. I wear silly t-shirts and I listen to alternative music. But really at the end of the day, I can wear as many ‘cats playing piano’ t-shirts as I want to, but the fact still remains: I’m old and it’s SHIT!  

I didn’t think I was old. It sneaks up on you. One day you have a spot and then a line and then a grey hair that sticks straight up on your head, like an antenna, and you’re befuddled. What? What’s this? Why, I’m not that old! Why yes....yes you are. 

Your kid knows more about computers than you do and that makes you feel pretty old. My kid fiddles around with my computer as if she’s been programming for years. And taking her friends around in my old car makes me feel mega old.  They point to the window roller-uppers and ashtrays in awe and act as if they've just discovered something in King Tut's Tomb! And when you say there is no air conditioning - it’s as if you told them there was no Santa Clause! “What? No air conditioning?! Wow, this car is really old!” Ok...you go merge some files and I’ll be here rolling my windows up by hand!

Soon things like... “When I was your age.....” or “When I was a kid....” start uncontrollably shooting out of your mouth. You keep your vitamins on a lazy susan on your dining room table, you still call music you buy from iTunes “records”, you just figured out what iTunes is, you mourn the loss of rides at Disneyland and the days of only one area code and when you had no belly instead of the 2 you have now and when ordering a burger was an “of course” instead of an “I shouldn’t” and when you had a crush on Davey Jones when he was still on tv!

But you don’t really think you’re old. You think you’re cool, eccentric, full of knowledge and wisdom...Nope. you’re old. Old as dirt, as Methuselah, as shit, as fuck! You’re so fucking old, you even know what a douche bag is!

And what frightens me the most about getting old is not the aching bones or the old face (although that is a drag!) but being out of touch. I don’t want that feeling like everyone else is in on the joke but me.....sort of like where my dad is at now. But I know soon enough I’m going to start saying things like “What? Who’s that? What is that? What did he say?” and it scares the shit out of me! 

Now I gotta go ask my kid how to do that thing with the thing with the thing on my phone.

I Love Crap!

I’m not very deep. I admit it freely. I love crap. I love anything made with hydrogenated oil, I love any tv show that ends with a DNA test or a verdict, I can’t get enough of people.com..... are you picking up what I’m putting down? 

So this is why for the life of me I can’t figure out what all the broo-ha-ha was over the Academy Awards this year? Seriously! These films were fucking downers. Somebody pass me an upper so I can stay awake during these dirges. Let’s see, there was a guy who’s career ended and then he tried suicide, a cheating wife who was in a coma, a guy who pretends to be dead, a woman who’s not so nice, women who are discriminated against and a horse in the war. When I go to the movies I want to escape. How do I escape watching a horse in the war? 

I am that person who likes the movie where some guy is being thrown out of a window while the guy who throws him out that window says something like “How d'ya like me now?” or some such nonsense and I’m not ashamed to admit it! I paid money to see "Booty Call" and "Dumb and Dumber" (a grown man with bangs...nothing funnier!). I’m still waiting for Undercover Brother to hit Netflix. There is so much crap that is so damn good. It's kinda like junk food: we say we don’t eat it, we say we don’t like it, but we do. 

Sir Edmund Gwenn said it best, “Dying is easy, comedy is hard” and I agree. There should be more comedies up for awards. The following scenes are from a few flicks that are some of my favorites. I think they should win awards for most ridiculous, most quotable, best one-liners. I don't care about their pathos, I'm not interested in their camera angles...I just loved how hard I laughed and who I saw them with and how much fun I had watching them. I mean isn’t that what going to the movies is all about?  

A scene from "Blazing Saddles" 
my all time favorite movie

Rick Moranis in "Ghostbusters"

I crap my pants every time I see this.

C'mon! This rocks!

Mike Myers in "I Married An Ax Murderer"

Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry 

in "Sudden Impact" - This one is a twofer!

"Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls"

Yes, I love this movie.

VaJonuts!

"Doughnuts!" That’s what my dad screamed one morning. My sis and I knew better than to think he’d actually gone out to buy doughnuts. He was a staunch organic food nut, only whole wheat pancakes and raw dairy products for this family. Junk food was strictly taboo! So when he yelled “Doughnuts!” my sis and I were skeptical for sure. But there they were....his version of doughnuts. Whole wheat frozen bread dough that he let rise overnight, formed into balls and then stuffed with organic-whole-fruit-no-added-sugar jam and baked to a golden brown. Ok, right? I mean it sounds horrible but they were actually really good.

So let us fast forward to now....I was at the store and there it was....the same frozen bread dough my dad used to buy! Holy crap! I was so excited, not just because I had found something from my childhood....but they had a NON-whole wheat version! Fuck organic whole grain goodness! Whole grain goodness tastes like sand! Fucking whole grain pancakes....I still have a piece of wheat from the 70’s stuck in my gums! But I digress....I said to myself, I’m gonna buy that bread dough and I’m gonna make the RedHead and Mr. P some homemade doughnuts.

I let the dough rise, I formed them into balls, I didn’t have whole fruit organic jam but I did have some cherry preserves I got at....that’s right, the 99 cent store. That should work. I put them in the oven and baked them till they were golden brown. Et Voila:

Yeah....I know....they look like a body part. The female body part to be exact. I’ll say it. They look like Vagina. So we called them VaJonuts. VaJonuts taste very good but are not very appealing to the eye.....Kinda like the real thing. I would say VaJonuts are not going to be a go-to kinda Sunday morning tradition....like I’m not gonna wake the family up and say “Rise and shine! VaJonuts!” But every once in a while it’ll be good for a laugh.

Bull Sh*t

So here is a question for God (if there is one)....When do you know you’ve pushed your kid too far, or not enough?

The RedHead does very well in school. She enjoys it and can’t wait to go. I fucking hated school so I’m still amazed that she likes it. Freaky! So recently she was asked to try out for her school’s.....let’s say for these purposes, “pizza making” team. It would give her a chance to compete against other schools in pizza making. She was so excited (because she’s really good at “pizza making”) she jumped in with both feet. But the coach had one thing on his mind: winning, and it had taken the fun out of something the RedHead used to love. Now she hated it and wanted to quit. 

Which brings me to my next question...Do we let her quit? I mean what are these competitions about? Are they about learning to work together as a team? How to pursue a goal thru study and hard work? How to learn to commit to something and not to give up? Or are they for the parents? So the parents can say their child is the best and most smartest? The gold medal the child receives proves how great they must be to have such a smart kid? 

The parents of the kids on the pizza making team made their kids study pizza making morning, noon and night. We didn’t. And the kids on the “pizza making” team are sort of professional students. They’re the kids that take a lot of classes after school and on weekends so they’re sort of up on how to do this kind of thing. We just let the RedHead kinda do her own thing. Are we not pushing her enough? And if we aren’t, should we push her more? 

The RedHead became sullen, angry, moody....not the usual kid we knew. She hated anything to do with “pizza making”. She told us she was bad at “pizza making” and would let the team down if she stayed. We thought the competition would empower her in some way but it was having the opposite effect. What should we do?

These are the days when I just want a martini and put my feet up and watch “The People’s Court” over and over and ignore it all.....kinda like the way my dad did when I was a kid only for him he hid behind a paintbrush and a pan full of pasta sauce. 

The answer for me came when another parent took the opportunity to make a play date with the coach’s kid so his kid could pick the coach’s brain on “pizza making”. This parent also stopped all play dates and only “pizza” studying was allowed. I realized that this just wasn’t our thing. Playing and drawing and running and laughing are just as important as schoolwork and “pizza making” and to stop all of that, stops the kid from being a kid. You don’t want your kid not to be a kid, do you? 

So we had a talk with her - and maybe you’ll agree with us and maybe you won’t....I’m still not sure we were or are doing the right thing....being a parent is sucky sometimes.....We gave her the choice to quit or not. We told her that the winning wasn’t what was important, it was the working together as a group and trying your hardest to achieve something and if she felt that she couldn’t do it, then she could quit. But she’d have to tell the coach, not us. It was her decision and hers alone. 

She decided to stay. 

She didn’t make the team and she’s not even sure she’s an alternate but she’s really happy.....she’ll still be able to go to the team pizza party! 

I’m not sure we’ll do anything like this again but if we do, I’ll make sure I have plenty of vodka on hand. And of course deep down, the Tiger Mother within secretly wishes the RedHead could have kicked those kids asses without all that extra hullabaloo that all those other tiger mothers made their kids do. 

A girl can dream!

Good Times

My RedHead and I are watching "Auntie Mame" starring Rosalind Russell. Probably one of my most favorite movies. Thank goodness the RedHead loves it just as much as I do. I want to be Auntie Mame when I grow up.

"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame

Good Listening!

Tony Duquette is one of my favorite designers! 

Check out why.....

He was the king of mixing expensive with inexpensive, organic with inorganic, french provincial with ultra modern. He was a one of a kind. His obituary in the New York Times mentioned...

“at his Hollywood Hills studio, a roomful of 18th-century French antiques sat amid gilded trees beneath a ceiling studded with glued-on gold plastic serving trays.” 

Holy crap! I know right!!! Where has this guy been all my life!!! But since he’s dead, he’s not coming out with anything new and the only Duquette items that are out there are crazy expensive...like $28,795 kind of expensive. Fuck me! Those pieces cost more than the New Beetle was when we bought it!

But this is a happy story because it’s Valentine’s Day (ok, the day after) and we want happy on Valentines Day (and the day after). Coach, yes that Coach, partnered with the Duquette estate to come out with a line of affordable costume jewelry and I was all over it. Still waiting for the listening....it’s coming..... 

We dropped the RedHead off at a party and I asked Mr. P if we could make a detour to the Coach store to check out the stuff. I didn't want to buy (I really didn't) I just wanted to look....and then I'd go to the thrift shop and find something similar and much cheaper!!! Immediately my eye was drawn to this crazy HUGE cocktail ring with rhinestones and flowers and sunbursts. It was so huge and heavy....totally fantastic. It was also out of my price range. I’d like to know what their idea of “affordable” is? They had some other things there but nothing that really spoke to me as much as that big fucking “I’ll kill you if I punch you in the face while wearing this big, bad-ass, mother-fucking ring!” But just hidden out of view, there were these little bug pins that were very me and very silly and so damn affordable and I could see myself wearing one of them. I was thrilled! I could have a sort-of Tony Duquette and not feel guilty for buying it! Hooray!!

Still waiting for the listening?....this is where it comes in....So while I was looking at all the stuff and oogling all the crap I couldn’t afford, I had no idea that Mr. P, the guy who can’t remember my name, the guy who can’t remember our anniversary, the guy who can’t remember to actually take the trash bags out of the house after he's taken them out of the trash can, remembered that I love Tony Duquette and had been to the Coach store the day before with the RedHead and he had already bought me that big bad ass ring. He knew I wanted it before I did. 

I guess he was listening after all. Here is my new baby:

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

So my dad (aka: The Old Man) calls me and tells me he hit a car. He was making a left turn and he hit a parked car. Not only did he hit a parked car but he blamed the parked car for being there! Not only did he hit a parked car and blamed the parked car for being there but he drove away! So now my 85 year old dad is a felon. 

Happy Valentine's Day indeed!

Yum

I’m not one of those people who enjoys shopping for food. I used to really love it but now because I have a kid, it’s a “have to” instead of a “want to”. I’ve tried different things to get me to enjoy buying food again. I tried having the local produce delivered but I don’t think rabbits could eat the amount of chard that arrived every week. I’ve tried shopping at farmer’s markets but I just can’t wake up early enough to get there before the good stuff is gone. I enjoy the stuff they sell at the TJ’s but anyone who knows me knows I hate the people who shop there - and don’t ever park in their parking lot! I’m not a bulk shopper so no Costco for me - shopping carts that are larger than my car tend to worry me. Besides I hate their parking lot too! I don’t peruse’s gourmet shops and I don’t shop at Whole Foods because I just can’t afford it. Every day I mourn the loss of the Fedco (may it rest in peace). So most of my shopping is done here and there, places that are quick and easy, where there is plenty of parking and where I can find a deal. And believe it or not, the place that fits the bill is the 99cent store! Shut up! I mean it! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, fingerling potatoes, garlic, kiwi, avocado, mushrooms....the list is endless and most of the time it’s organic! YES! It’s fucking organic! Take that Whole Paycheck! I’ve come out of there with pounds of produce and spices and usually pay less than $8. That’s a goddamn Christmas miracle! And let’s face it you can find the most amazing crap besides produce at the 99cent store.

So I had to make dinner the other night but I had nothing in the house because as I said before I hate going to the store - not to mention I was watching the The People’s Court (no better tv viewing EVER!). I am allergic to whining so I was not going to take the RedHead to the store after I picked her up from school. So I was stuck with what I had on hand (and most of it was purchased at the 99cent store by the way): portobello mushrooms, stale bread, old tomatoes, half a box of pasta, garlic that was sprouting, limp parsley and some really moldy asiago cheese. Hmmm....what to make. I am in love with Jacques Pepin and I had just seen him make stuffed tomatoes out of leftovers he had in the fridge. I said “I can do that”  so I did.

I hollowed out those old tomatoes and I made a stuffing. I used the dried bread (I cut the bread and moistened it with water), I cut the mold off the asiago cheese and grated it, I minced a clove of the sprouting garlic, I chopped up some of that unhappy parsley, I chopped up the guts of the tomatoes and I added some thyme, salt and pepper and I smooshed all of it into those sad, old tomatoes and threw ‘em in the oven. Ok, that wasn’t so hard. But it wasn’t enough for dinner. I also had that half box of pasta lying around so I thought I would cook that up and make a sauce out of those old portobello mushrooms, garlic, olive oil and butter. 

Voila! Check it out:

Yes, I took a fucking picture! Can I tell you....it tasted great! We had a bottle of $3 vino lying around and I had just enough Pecorino Romano cheese to grate over the top of the pasta. We ate all the food and discussed what to make out of even older food I had lying around. Hmmm.....I do have an old zucchini......

Numero Uno

Hello and welcome to my world...the world of Mersassy! HA! This is the first installment of my...dare I say it...my f-in blog! Mr. P and I are watching Bridesmaids, eatin’ some chips and drinking some super good vino....and it’s a Monday night! Mr. P’s mom actually got us an xmas gift that we like (quel shock!). She got us a 6-month supply of red via the Sunset Wine Club. This means we don’t have to ask the dorkus at the BevMo “What kinda red wine can we get for under $10 that doesn’t taste like shit?” But I digress...If you remember CanTalk (and I hope you do) my “blog” will be along the same lines. Some talk about tv (my salvation), about life and basically about my stuff. So sit back and relax and enjoy my interpretation of it all...