Rewards Smrewards!

I was at Ikea the other day buying some napkins - yes, I make the trek to the Ikea for napkins because they are super groovy and super cheap and life is too short not to use super groovy cheap napkins! I also picked up a Produkt (milk frother) and some Sparsam (fluorescent lightbulbs). I was at the register when the cashier says to me “Are you part of our Ikea Family?” Huh? “Do you have your Ikea Family card?” Huh? My what? Oh no.....It seems that Ikea is the latest in a long line of retailers who have jumped onto the “rewards” bandwagon and I think that is a fucking drag!

I went to PepBoys to pick up some heater hoses for my 40 year old car (let’s not discuss the fact that they no longer carry parts for older cars anymore and the guy behind the parts counter didn’t even know what they were) but since they didn’t have them, I bought some wax and a can of resin glaze. The cashier says “Are you a part of our loyalty rewards program?” I was kind of in a daze....still po’d that they didn’t have those hoses for my car. “Ma’am....” by the way, I’m a ma’am now.... “Ma’am, your loyalty rewards. Do you have your PepBoys Loyalty Rewards card?” My what?!! I am stunned. “No!..” I say. “Do you have heater hoses for my car?” The guy just stares at me. “Well then, I guess we’re even!”

Sears, OSH, Target Pharmacy, Ikea, PepBoys, Vons, CVS, Ralph’s, Walgreens, World Market, PetSmart, PetCo, RiteAid, you name it, it seems like every store, market, gas station, any place where you can buy anything has some sort of special club that promises sweet deals in exchange for your personal information and personally, I’m really sick of it. Can’t I just go into a store and get a decent price because it’s the right thing to do? I hate looking for my rewards card or fumbling to find the widget on my keychain or trying to remember which phone number I have to enter just to get a normal price.......for anything! Just give it to me - ok!

And the older I get and the more shopping I do, the angrier I have become! The poor pharmacy clerk at Target hides when she sees me because she's afraid I'll go into my usual rant as to why I don’t want to sign up for 5% off on the 5th prescription filled. I have begun to shun the card. Give me the higher price, I don’t give a shit anymore! My privacy is my own little "fuck you" to the man! I try not to shop at places where I have to use “the card” anymore....but today was different. 

I was so busy I had to bite the bullet and hit the Vons. I was by the tomatoes when I noticed there was a young man walking towards me. He was wearing a sassy orange "CalTrans" inspired vest and had an iPad velcro’d to the palm of his hand. In a assertive voice he says “Are you finding everything ok?” I say “Yes, thank you” and continue to look at the veggies. “Ma’am...” remember I’m a ma’am now.... “Ma’am, have you heard about our new ‘Just For You’ rewards program?” Oh good god no! You've gotta be kidding me! Not only do I have to use my fucking value-rewards-loyalty-shit-ass card every time I come in here just so I can get a decent price on the fucking tomatoes that are in my cart but now there is another fucking thing I’ve gotta sign up for and swipe on top of it? They’ve gotta be kidding me! So as politely as I can and without strangling the the poor bastard I say “No thank you” and I walk towards the salad dressings. He follows me. “Are you sure? This program is loaded with savings!” “No thank you” I say more emphatically as I briskly walk towards the deli. He continues to follow me. “You get a free dozen eggs!” Now I’m jogging! “I don’t want any eggs!” I scream over my shoulder as I run away but he’s on my ass. And right as he slams into me he yells “You also get a free pound of coffee!” I turn around and as loud as I can I let him have it “I DON’T WANT EGGS! I DON’T WANT COFFEE! I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A DECENT PRICE ON GROCERIES WITHOUT ANY CARD OR ANY CODE BECAUSE IT’S THE DECENT THING TO DO! CAN YOU DO THAT?!!” 

This poor guy. He is seriously hating life right about now. He was just doing his job and had the bad luck to run into me. But I gotta give it to him.....without missing a beat he says “I was just trying to save you a little money” and he walked away. I felt pretty terrible about it. I didn’t like yelling at him. I know I'm not supposed to shoot the messenger but sometimes it feels really good to shoot the messenger!!!

I guess he was ok because I saw him walk up to the deli counter and try to sign up an elderly man.......who had a stutter.....I couldn’t watch. 

So I left the Vons.....less cash, more aggravation, feeling a little bad for the guy.....got in the car.....picked up the RedHead, got home, poured some vino (yes it was before 5!), turned on my Tivo’d People’s Court, got ready for the Caprese Salad I made with my overpriced tomatoes....and they tasted like shit! Fucking Vons!