Has Anyone Seen My Child?

Has anyone seen my child? She’s silly, has a great sense of humor, is empathetic and super easy going? Does anyone know where she is? Someone seems to have taken her and replaced her with a dour, brooding, argumentative beast and I’m not thrilled with this unfair trade.

Welcome to hormones! I like to think of this as the party before the party....and wow, what fun! In the 2 weeks since she’s been out of school, she’s only come out of her room 4 times and that was under duress. I’ve counted 5 smiles (which were at my expense) 2,592 eye rolls and 1,347 ‘whatevers’. Good times!

When she was a baby I couldn’t wait for her to get older....now I wish she was a baby again. I’d give my eye teeth to have her hug me because she wanted to and not because I beg her to. She used to make me tell her stories about my childhood and now she says “Yeah, I know, you told me already!” It’s like living with Donald Trump - all the broo-ha-ha of that smart ass mouth and much ado about the hair!

Today I quietly knocked on the door (I vacillate between the hippy “I don’t want to intrude on your space, man” to the Dr. Laura “I pay the rent on this place so you had better open this goddamn door!”) and I reminded her to practice her music and tidy her room. After the usual “I don’t want to!” she practiced...for about 5 minutes and then it stopped and she sat in her chair with her book. When I asked why she stopped practicing after only 5 minutes, she began to scream at me a litany of reasons: I don’t need to, most of it was optional, I’m frustrated, I hate it, I want to quit, I’m not in the mood and my personal favorite.....I’m tired.

Let’s think about that one for a moment, “I’m Tired”. Of course she is. I mean it’s tiring going to bed late and waking up later, going to summer camp 3 hours a day, reading graphic novels and playing games on the iPad that your father bought you much to my dismay and playing with your friend who lives a few apartment’s down.....Yes, it’s pretty darn tiring....it’s just such a hard, tiring life.

She’s tired?.....I’m tired! I love how my husband gets a vacation and my daughter gets a vacation....but I never get a fucking vacation! So when the RedHead said she was tired I just looked at her....and all I could think of was the day I had.....a day of driving her ass to science camp at USC then driving to my dad’s to pick him up and take him to the store then drop him off at his mechanic then to the pet store then to the health food store to buy Mr.P’s “heart healthy” foods and his glucosamine and then back to USC to pick her up, all within 2-1/2 hours, driving in rush hour traffic on the 110, in the heat, in a 40 year old car with no air conditioning and manual transmission....and she’s tired? I looked at her, wide eyed.....how was I going to get thru these next 7-8 years? It was fine with me if she wanted to go thru teenaged angst but she wasn’t gonna drag me down with her. I knew I was going to have to do something that was going to prove a point without having an out and out brawl!

And so it came to me......Doris Day and Brian Keith starred in one of my most favorite movies, “With Six You Get Eggroll” about a widow and widower who get married despite the fact that their kids hate them. In one scene, Brian Keith’s daughter (played by a very young Barbara Hershey, pre-lip injections) gives some big time grief to Doris Day (seriously, how can anyone give grief to Doris Day!). So Doris Day, at her wits end by this point, says “You want to be the woman of the house, you got it!” and proceeds to give Barbara Hershey a list of chores and things that need to be done by the end of the day. I love, love, that scene. I love it because it teaches a huge lesson in humility while not being humiliating. 

And so right out of “With Six You Get Eggroll” I looked the RedHead straight in the eye and as calm as I could I said “You wanna know tired? I’ll show you tired......” I told her that she needed to do the chores she hadn’t done since she got out of school and then she had to do mine: clean the bathrooms, fold the laundry, vacuum the house, make the dinner and do the dishes. She could read or watch tv when she was finished with everything and bed time was at 9pm, tired or not. I think the fact that I was so calm moved her to do what I asked without an argument.

After 2 hours everything was done. And not half bad either. I sat around and made sure she saw me relaxing, reading and sewing and asking her to get me things that I could have gotten myself. And when she was done she came up to me and hugged me, hard, and said “I’m sorry mommy. I’m sorry I spoke to you that way.” Just like in “With Six You Get Eggroll” when Barbara Hershey apologized to Doris Day. We sat and ate dinner (that she made). My RedHead was back.....for the moment anyway. 

Yes, I know...this won’t last....but it sure felt good. This morning I had her fold another load of laundry and she did.....so maybe it will last.....nope...nope....I just got an eye roll when I told her to practice her music. This is so not gonna be fun!